Steven Wright quotes

One of my favorite comedians of all times is Steven Wright. His stuff is unique and bizarre and amazingly brilliant, unlike a lot of today’s foul-mouthed comedians. Here’s a sampling (though a little is lost in not seeing him perform):

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,”Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning…[picks up his glass of water from the stool]…I like to live on the edge…

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I was born by Cesarean section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

One of my favorite comedians of all times is Steven Wright. His stuff is unique and bizarre and amazingly brilliant, unlike a lot of today’s foul-mouthed comedians. Here’s a sampling (though a little is lost in not seeing him perform): Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,”Hello, could…